20020128 Chocolate

Why do I do this? Why do I hurt my self this way? Eating all this chocolate, sweets and canty too, it’s not good for me, I know that, but the taste is just so sweet, making all other food totally obsolete.

I know that I get nousious if I eat too many treats, but but still I do so, thinking “I’ll remember this bad fellin’ next time I find a ‘bar’, and I won’t eat it!! how many times have I made this promise to my self? Too many times, that’s for sure, but I keep thinking it’s the cure for my loneliness, my broken feelings, scattered on the ground, broken by the ones close to me.

They tell me these things, and though I shouldn’t believe them, I trust them. I’ve starved my self to please them, to make them think they’r right, I know they aren’t this is my protest…

I make my self fell sick, just one bar, my head hurts already, a pain so strong from something that sweet…

Once I could take it, eat as much I wanted, didn’t hurt one bit, but now my head is ackeing so. But I love it, love the taste, love the way it can meelt and the sound when I break it, I love it so, but it hurts me bad, it’s making me frustrated and oh so sad.

I stopped once, to please them, look where it got me! I can’t enjoy the thing I love most. I want the same as them, but I’m not a fanatic and don’t intent to be, I want to be thin – of cause, but I want to enjoy life too.

They say, they support me, but they keep it so strict, so black and white! I’m in the grey zone, where I belong, but they want to change me for good, they want me perfect, but they didn’t make me that way!

I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to be, all I want is to do for myself what I think is right for me, I lost 15 kilos, some for them, but mostly for me, because I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, it’s still too higt, that stupid BMI, but I don’t care, it’s my life, JUST LEAVE IT THERE!

It’s my body, my money, let me spend it my way, leave me alone, this is who I am.

I’m the ‘smart kid’ in the family, getting high grades, they don’t think you can be good at one thing, but not good at everything!

Don’t you think my generosity have a cost? Spend my time reading, a thing I really like, but u say I need to expand?

Why don’t you expand your horizon and meet me halfway? I’ve gone passed the middle, meet me in the grey zone, get some different things then just your black and white.

Meet me in the grey zone, a paradise for all.

~~MRA~~ 28/01-02